Introduction:
Note for the Readers: In this piece I will be discussing some difficult subjects, like domestic abuse and sexual assault, but only in the vaguest and briefest terms. However, if this is a sensitive subject for you then please be aware. Also, I was inspired to write this piece based on some current news events in the US when this was written, however, I won’t go into specifics of those events and as usual I will deploy some hypotheticals to better future-proof this piece.
Question, how should you react when you find out someone you have a positive relationship with did or had done something reprehensible to someone that wasn’t you? This relationship can be direct, like a friend, family member or child. It could be with a coworker or acquaintance. Or, this question can also apply to a parasocial relationship, like a celebrity or other notable person that you follow or admire.
The reason I ask this question is because there is a certain percentage of people who respond in the worst way possible when they are confronted with this issue. How do they respond? With denial, cover their eyes and ears, see no evil hear no evil, “la la la I’m not listening to you” kind of denial. Think of the mother who says that her child was always such a good little boy when they are revealed to be an ax murderer. Think of the celebrity who defends their co-star from a television show when they are convicted of sexual assault. Think of the loyal fans when they ignore an artist’s domestic abuse of their spouse so they can continue to be fans of their work guilt free. Think of all the people who blame survivors for speaking out rather than the perpetrators for the crimes they committed. One will always find this subset of deniers, people who would rather entertain a fantasy than confront reality, but this begs another question: why? I believe that there are 3 principal reasons for this. The first two are more general, while the third applies in a particular context, as I shall explain.
The Big Three:
The first thing that can drive people to deny someone’s wrongdoing is because it forces them to re contextualize their entire relationship with the wrongdoer. When you find out someone you liked or had positive interactions with did something deplorable it tarnishes those positive experiences, besmirching what might have been pristine before. Now recalling that person and your relationship with them will always be bittersweet, which is an understandably difficult thing to accept. Imagine you supported a musician for years, going to concerts, buying merchandise, discussing them online, only for it to be revealed that the musician you loved had been abusing their spouse the entire time. What do you do? Do you publicly condemn them, get rid of all their music and merchandise you have, and refuse to listen to them again? Do you quietly move on to another artist with a less toxic reputation (less toxic at this particular moment at least)? Or, do you deny or downplay the truth so you can continue to enjoy your favorite musician? There are more ways to respond than the ones I just listed, but is it more clear why some people chose denial? It’s a selfish impulse to be sure, in the case of the musician and their fan, the fan cares more about their personal relationship to the music than how the person who made the music behaves. However, it is demanding a lot of a person to let go of something or someone that is meaningful to them in order to uphold an abstract principle.
The second reason people chose denial is closely related to the first. This second reason doesn’t apply in all cases, but it’s common enough to mention. Guilt. Earlier, I said finding out a person’s wrongdoing forces you to recontextualize your relationship with them and how you remember them. It might also force you to look back and wonder if there were signs that you either missed or chose to ignore. How many red flags did you see and did nothing? Could you have prevented something bad from happening if you had spoken up?
I’m not suggesting that we all start taking responsibility for the actions of others, but anyone with even a shred of morality would have to be asking themselves these questions. For some, it’s infinitely easier to create a wall of denial and avoidance than to confront the questions of their conscience.
I’ve been saying that people “choose” denial, as if they are weighing the options of whether or not to do so carefully in their head, but the reality is often much more subtle and unconscious. People rarely make decisions such as embracing denial after rational and careful introspection. If they did, they likely wouldn’t be in denial to begin with. However, people absolutely can choose to deny, and that relates to the third topic I wanted to discuss. Why would someone willfully choose to deny someone’s crimes or wrongdoing? Perhaps in an attempt to defend the wrongdoer, but it could just as easily be to protect themselves, or to protect an institution. Imagine you are high up in a political party, or a religious hierarchy, or in a position of authority for a rich corporation or other financial institution, or, on a smaller scale, maybe you’re a cop. If someone of equal power and authority as yourself behaves criminally, do you publicly admit that? What if that kind of criminality isn’t restricted to an individual, but is an institutional problem? Think of what the #metoo movement revealed about the film industry, or when a cop commits a crime in the US and the worst punishment they get is paid administrative leave after an internal “investigation” found that the cop in question did nothing wrong. That kind of abuse and corruption can’t be hidden, it has to be actively denied, covered up, and ignored. Some people in these corrupt and abusive institutions are coerced or intimidated into silence, but plenty of people don’t have to be cajoled or threatened at all. A not insignificant number of people care far more about their own finances and position of authority than they care about protecting the innocent. Individuals such as this have no issue publicly denying what they know to be true. This kind of denial is entirely cynical, motivated only by self-serving interest.
Conclusion:
Is there anything that can be done to correct these three different motivations for denial? Starting with the third topic of discussion, I don’t have any sage advice. This cynical form of denial could only be curtailed if people were less greedy and power hungry, which if we look at all of human history as an example, that’s easier said than done. What about the other two reasons for denial that we discussed? As I said before, having to re-contextualize a positive relationship or confronting potential guilt are not easy things to do. It can be easier to reject the truth and blame the survivors of abuse than to admit that we don’t always know people as well as we thought. However, you must have the strength and the courage to face reality and change your opinion of a person when credible or provable evidence of their misdeeds are revealed.
The way I see it, there are two important parts of becoming a mature adult with critical reasoning and decision making (this isn’t an exhaustive list, just the two that pertain to this discussion). The first is that we all need to be aware of the potential darkness and violence that are a part of all of our natures, and how that darkness can be unleashed. This is especially important for anyone in a position of power. It isn’t enough, however, to just be aware of the violent parts of our natures. We also need to commit ourselves to the never ending struggle of mastering that darkness everyday of our lives until the second we drop dead. The second part of maturity is realizing that not everyone is as committed to winning that struggle as you will be. Some people do the exact opposite and embrace that darkness and violence, and let their worst impulses shape the contours of their entire existence. When someone you know does something inexcusable, you need to be able to disavow and cut ties with that person. If that means poisoned memories and perhaps a lingering feeling of guilt, so be it. Denying the truth doesn’t help you, or the person you’re covering for. It might feel like it, but can you ever grow, move on, or accept something when you won’t even admit that it happened? Denying a person’s wrongdoing chains you to that person and their actions far more than acceptance ever will.
When people you like disappoint, it’s not easy to come to terms with that. However, it’s when principles are tested the most, that they count for the most.