Introduction:
For this blog post I wanted to digress away from my usual book discussions or random musings and try my hand at some satire. I wanted to talk about the humanitarian disaster faced by migrants and refugees trying to enter the US at the southern border. I thought about writing a serious post more like I normally do on this blog, trying to point out the gross injustice of how refugees are treated by the US and how they are portrayed in the media, and the flagrant hypocrisy of the US’s image versus its actual conduct. However, beyond the injustice and hypocrisy there is another element to the plight of refugees at the southern border that only satire can really convey, a profound absurdity. Politicians and media outlets looking to create and exploit fear portray refugees at the southern border as if they were zombies, looking to beat down the door of civilization in a mindless obsession. The real variety and complexity of the people trying to get into the US from the southern border is so removed from the fear-mongering portrayal that adjectives fail to capture the preposterousness.
By the way, this piece is being written during the Biden administration, but I am pointedly using the words US policy. When Trump was president it was fashionable among some major media outlets to be critical of his border policy. Make no mistake, as with practically everything during Trump’s presidency, his administration’s policy toward the southern border was disastrously inhumane and short-sighted. However, this does not make Trump unique, treating migrants and asylum seekers with callous hostility is a bipartisan sport in US politics.
Satire is the best vehicle to capture how silly, tragic, and cruel US policy at the southern border truly is. Though I should point out the US is not unique in how it treats refugees either. My reading of history is that states always see masses of refugees as a “problem” to be dealt with rather than as desperate people in need of understanding and aid. Politics is an ugly business, and it grows uglier the higher up the ladder you go. People in the highest echelons of authority typically only aid refugees if they have no alternative, or if there is an ulterior benefit to doing so. If they can get away with it most governments are all too happy to kick refugees while they’re down. For the powerful it’s easy to mistreat people who have no way of fighting back or recourse to seek justice. The only way the US is unique is because it portrays itself as a place for people to be welcome and start a new life in peace and prosperity, which makes mistreatment of migrants especially egregious.
While the goal with the story you’re about to read is to be satirical, I’m barely exaggerating real events and real views that are current when this piece is published. If the future after this publication is especially bleak I might be understating the obscene horror of US border policy. That’s the danger of dehumanization and hate (as if it’s not already obvious), it can drive people to commit unthinkable atrocities based on ludicrous ideas that collapse under the lightest scrutiny.
Finally, before beginning I am indebted to the discussion and ideas on many episodes of the podcast It Could Happen Here in helping shape this piece. I recommend It Could Happen Here to readers and I’ll post links to the show below. Also, just in case I haven’t said this enough already, everything you are about to read below is satire, please do not mistake any of it for my actual views.
Talking Out of Both Sides of Our Mouths:
We are over the shoulder of a “reporter” (his demographic biography will become obvious), as he prepares the final draft of a short piece before he submits it to his editor. The report being submitted is entitled The Defense of Our Sublime “Republic” Against the Foreign Hordes. The report reads as follows:
We all know well that everyday we are being kept safe from the evils beyond our borders by proud and diligent men as they surveille and reconnoiter the border for fiendish intruders. To better understand how the land of freedom is being kept safe, I decided to visit one of the detention centers in the desert near the border. I wanted to see first hand what our brave border agents were up against, and how they were fighting back against the invasions from the south.
I decided to travel to a prison camp under federal jurisdiction, but being administered by a private company. The company polices the prison, and the government reimburses them for their services. “What could be more American,” I thought to myself, “than imprisoning people and making money doing it?” It was nothing short of brilliant. As a bonus, the legal line over who had ultimate responsibility for the prison was murky, which made it difficult for those pesky lawyers and activists to interfere with the divine mission of the camp guards.
As soon as I arrived at the prison, after a long and dusty drive from the nearest highway, I was both amazed and thankful. The dry heat and blazing sun was oppressive, and throughout the tour I thanked the guards for their dedication for working in such appalling conditions. As one would expect with any prison, the perimeter was ringed with walls, watchtowers, and razor wire to keep the invaders secured. There were open air sections of the prison in the central yard, as well as indoor cell blocks where inmates were housed and processed.
“What we need is to stem the tide of foreigners wanting to cross,” said the warden. “To do that we need deterrents. That’s why we keep conditions for the prisoners so bad, it accomplishes two goals. One, it’s a warning: Don’t come here! As for the second goal, well, it’s a helluva lot cheaper this way.” This prison I was touring is one piece of a deterrent system along the border, the warden explained. “Does this deterrent system work?” I asked, “It seems like there are a lot of prisoners here.” “Of course the deterrents work,” the warden replied. “We are busy, sure, almost overrun at times, but imagine how much worse it would be if we weren’t here at all!” I couldn’t fault the warden for his flawless logic, so I asked him to show me around and explain the level of threat that these prisoners posed to us.
As we surveyed the prison from a watchtower the warden explained: “These people are dastardly, diabolical even. They are always trying to smuggle black tar heroin trans abortions across the border, but they’re so good at hiding their stashes before we catch them that we have literally never found any, and they’re so good at disguising themselves as helpless refugees that some people actually feel sympathy for them. Can you believe that?” the warden asked incredulously. “What exactly are black tar heroin trans abortions?” I asked. He replied, “I’ll tell you what they are, bad.” That was good enough for me so I moved on to my other questions. “How are prisoners sorted once they are caught and processed?” He replied,“These people travel in “family” units, to try and fool us into thinking they are coming here for legal work. To let them know we won’t be fooled by those tactics, we separate these so-called “families” to make it more difficult for them to scheme and plot while in prison.” I could scarcely believe the depths these foreigners would go to in order to try and sully our utopia, and I was overawed at the perceptiveness of our border agents for spotting their deceptions.
After this discussion with the warden, I decided I had to try and speak to one of these prisoners, so that I could truly stare into the face of evil. As the warden and I passed our reflections in the windows of the guard barracks on our way to the cell block, the warden advised me on safety precautions. I would have to be accompanied by two guards, and I would have to stand well away from the prisoner to make sure that they didn’t lunge at me from inside their cell. I was led to one of the isolation cells, where the most dangerous or unpredictable prisoners were kept away from the others. Initially I beheld the figure in the cell with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension, but both these emotions quickly morphed into disgust. His name was apparently Pedro (age 3), and he was weeping openly and loudly. The guards told me his tears were either from the shame of being caught, or a pathetic attempt to win sympathy. He also kept loudly repeating the same sentence over and over again “¡Quiero mi mami! ¡Quiero mi mami!” I asked the guards what this meant, and they said Pedro must be confessing to his crimes of terrorism.
Pedro must have been simple minded, because he would say nothing else, the more I tried to question him, the louder he confessed. I decided further questioning would be pointless, and while the interview was not informative, it was instructive. After a close encounter with one of these foreigners, I am better able to appreciate why prisons like this one were so valuable and necessary. Leaving the isolation cells and moving once again out into the yard, I was shown another example of American entrepreneurial spirit. Naturally, all these foreigners would be ejected back to the savage lands from whence they came, but someone had a brilliant idea. Shipping all these intruders back out of the country would cost money, what if the intruders could be made to pay for their own return journeys? How could this be accomplished you ask? Well, the company that runs the prisons has also contracted with factories all over the country. These factories bring in raw materials and parts, and the prisoners, under close supervision to avoid sabotage, are made to assemble the parts into finished products. Once a group has assembled enough goods equal to the cost of deporting them, then they are, you guessed it, deported immediately! Americans get cheaper products on the shelves while they are being kept safe from invaders, it’s a win-win strategy for everyone.
As my tour of the prison was coming to an end, I decided in the future I would have to visit every part of our nation’s border deterrent system, to fully understand and appreciate how each part of the system works in concert to strengthen one another. Today, however, I took one last look at the main gate as I was leaving, to remember and appreciate what I had seen today. Upon further inspection, I noticed a plaque I had missed on my arrival. Inscribed on the plaque were two quotes, which explained the guiding mission and principles of the prison and the great nation it represented. The first was from a poem that all Americans know and love, an excerpt from the poem on the Statue of Liberty “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, the tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” The second inscription read “Work sets you free.” I didn’t recognize the second inscription, so I decided to focus on the first one.
How brilliant that we live in a nation of freedom that welcomes those who wish to make a new life here. That freedom is not without cost, however. Our zeal must be tempered by security and vigilance. The welcoming arms of liberty must be safeguarded from those seeking the welcoming arms of liberty.
Links for It Could Happen Here Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/it-could-happen-here/id1449762156
https://www.audible.com/pd/It-Could-Happen-Here-Podcast/B08K57PSTC